Thursday, July 30, 2009

just some thoughts

Hello blog. It's been a long long while. Let's catch up.

So it's been a trend that I always write about things are on my mind at the moment. As nonspontaneous as I am in all my decision-making, I do live quite in the present, you see. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I argued the pointlessness of making friends. Yes, quite a difficult argument to back up at the time, but I just didn't see the purpose of investing time and energy into people who were just going to leave you at some point or other. Silly as the show was, the CW's One Tree Hill had at least one valid point: People always leave.
Not being the most religious person around town, I admit that the only meaning I've found thus far in life comes from the interactions and connections I've made with my fellow humans. But humanity and I have some sort of love-hate relationship, and I can never seem to fully figure it out. At some points, I think I've managed to wrap my head around it, but I always somehow end up in the same place: wondering what the hell I can do for other people and what the hell they can do for me.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it also makes the heart forget. I don't ever want to forget. Anything. Especially the people that I've known, and people that have changed me. But I know I will. And it's inevitable that they will too. I have to forgive them for that, but it's hard. I've gone back to that spot where you just sit and ask yourself, What can I do that will make it worth it for someone to have known me? It's true. I get wayyy too emotionally invested and attached to people. Once in a blue moon, it's really really worth it. Most of the time you just wonder why on earth you care so much.
And somehow, that's all I can do. That's all I know: to live and feel so deeply that the words are slow and heavy coming out, that all the pain is tangible, that a radiating understanding and compassion for humanity is always there, somewhere underneath all those dark layers. That's all I'm feeling right now. Very very layered, just a little dark, and extremely torn.


  1. I feel like I had a discussion with you about this topic when we were in Boston. I hope things are okay with you Ang. I, as well, always wonder where all my friendships will eventually lead to and I guess it's part of reality to accept that some people will drift away from you. In response to your question of what you can do that will make it worth it for someone to have known you, well sometimes you don't have to do anything. You don't need to try and can still make an impact.

  2. the layery Angie is the Angie that impacts people, just like the goofy Angie does. For most people, its regrettable to think that they won't recognize the roles that people have played in their lives. But the good news: there are people who do. I don't get to see or talk with you often, but I know how you being part of my life has affected me. For the better, too. Some people are just really terrible at expressing appreciation for their friends. But that does not mean it was all for naught. This funk is probably cyclical, and it will lead you to realize something that you need to. It helps to remember that it won't last forever