a day in the life.

It's a good day to let go of the past. As it so happens, my computer died again several times today and I was required to restore partitions of the hard drive that I had backed up a few months ago... and as a result, I am now deprived of the AIM logs that having been saving themselves for the past few months, waiting to be reread again by my eager eyes. Yes, they will be sorely missed. Yes, I use these logs to refresh my memory on conversations that have been had, and even more often use the contents of these logs as ammo in further arguments. Bad, I know.

It was actually kind of pathetic how crappy I felt when I realized that they had all been deleted. Kind of like how I might feel if all of my Facebook pictures were erased... though I feel I would probably be a little more distraught about that... Ah, but it is indeed for the best. I need to turn my attentions away from what has been done and focus on what is being done and what will be done. In recovering from the loss of wisdom teeth recently removed, I've had a lot of time virtually alone in my house (if you don't count my brother) and have realized how utterly unproductive I am. However, I have made considerable progress in 1984 and am thoroughly enjoying it, I'm working out a lot (gotta work off that poundage) and also refining my musical tastes, and I'm taking a much-needed relaxation break. Still gotta learn German, refresh my programming skills, and see lots of people.

It has occurred to me, actually, how few people I have to see here. A few select personal friends here and there, some family friends, some Asians, and the tennis team. I guess I'm not really that close with too many people, at least not close enough to want to reacquaint myself with them for the duration of a couple hours only to not talk to them again throughout the course of the school year. C'est la vie. I'm all right with that.

AH. I've decided that I need to make more money somehow. 1. Europe. 2. I need to look super sexy this year so I can get some boys! Whoo! So yes, #2 involves giving my wardrobe a makeover. I wish I could be on What Not to Wear. Ah, how simple life would be. This is only partly a joke.

Bah, I can't wait to get back to Beantown. Life is so drab in Sloshkosh, where the only thing that ever changes is the "Flavor of the Day" at Culver's.

bitch for a day

It's dark, dank, and gloomy out... perfect day to blog.

So I woke up this morning to my parents being really pissed that I had slept in until 10:30... apparently it's unnatural to stay up until midnight or later. My dad wants me to go to bed before 11pm every night from now on. Not happening... have we heard of a little something called college? Whatever. I had a rough night and my eyeballs almost fell out, I woke up at 6 in the morning and felt like crap, and I still do, so I have an excuse to sleep in.

Side topic: I've realized that I don't really have much of a filter when I get really emotional. I do say the things I'm thinking, which means I am being honest, but not rationally so. Which is really unfortunate, because I probably don't actually mean any of these things and end up regretting even mentioning them. This happens on a daily basis. One thing about me is that I save my emails and Facebook messages and AIM logs and such, and occasionally reread them for funsies. Sometimes not-so-funsies. Christine, if you happen to still read this (and I don't blame you if you don't because it's getting a little annoying even for me), I'm really sorry for potentially making you feel awful. Because I said some really shitty things that I didn't mean because I happened to be excessively hormonal at the time. I guess it's kind of silly to mention it now because we can probably just laugh about how young and naive we were back then. But I'm glad we get along swimmingly now :-)

I remember when I first got this blog, courtesy of an idea from Patt, we had the following conversation:
P: me and imaly decided youre probs going to be way more intellectual than us
A: pfff hwhy?
P: bc youre cooler and smarter than us
A: ok well that may be true, but... BAHA jplay

Our names spell "PAPA." Excellent. But anyway, these fellas are way awesomer than me, and I personally think that Imaly's blog is way more intellectual than mine. Soooo the reasoning was off, but my blog did end up being excessively teen-angsty despite my personal resolve to make it funsy and whatnot. I did a lot of stuff in the beginning with my musical tastes and Bostie pictures, but now that the newfangledness of it all has worn off, I've reverted back to my natural talent: being angsty. Which sucks, because I don't want to seem like one of those emotion-ridden teens who can't talk about anything besides stupid, angsty FEELINGS. Courtesy of stupid, angsty hormones. Ugh, I wish I was a boy sometimes. I wish I were a boy sometimes? I know not. The point is, (and Michelle and I agreed on this) we need to stop caring too much about people and just be a little more self-indulgent. There. I said it.

So on a more pleasant note (pun fully intended), I've taken to playing the piano recently. Chopin's Nocturnes and Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique have been occupying my musical endeavors for the most part. I miss piano a lot, but I don't miss the pressure that went along with it... so I'm glad I quit when I did and now I can fully enjoy playing without having to worry about practicing a certain amount every day. It took up so much of my life with nothing to show for it, besides actually enjoying it now. Which I feel could have been accomplished by just tinkering around with it and listening to lots of classical... so much for WMTA.

Anyway, I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, which is gonna suck. My mom thinks I'll be able to eat the next day. Cross your fingers, mommy. At least I like yummy drinks. Also I'll have a lot of time to sit in bed and read without being bothered by anyone. I'm fully equipped with George Orwell's 1984, some good Thomas Hardy, and The Bell Jar. Score.

dying is quite fine

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, brother. So once again, it's about that time of month. Blog time!

What have we here? Yes, I just finished up my 10-week experience labbing it up with the BME department, and I've just returned to my home-sweet-home up here in the good ol' Midwest. Speaking of traveling, I am BEYOND FREAKING EXCITED for Dresden in the spring. The other day I was googling "top 10 places to visit in Europe" and I am FREAKING OVERWHELMED by how much stuff I want to do and how many countries I want to explore. I have approximately two weeks to travel the continent as I please, and I know I definitely want to make stops in France(!), Italy, Spain, and obviously Germany. How many countries can we get through in two weeks? Apparently we might also go to England and/or Croatia. Possibly. SO EXCITED!

However, I don't want to run willy-nilly all over Europe and see too many places without stopping to really enjoy them. That gives us a little bit of a limit here. But I was talking to my parents about it today and they said that maybe I should just take the entire summer off and stay a few weeks there after my semester is over, just so I can relax and travel at my own pace. I might need people to join me though... any takers?

So yeah, this is a picture of the Plitvice lakes in Croatia... doesn't it look AMAZING? Blagh I am dying inside just looking at it.

Now go to this website: http://www.bu-dresden.de/
Scroll down and click on "Details" for any of the three dorms listed. Do this OR ELSE. Then click on the "Photos & Plans" tab and take a virtual tour! Then tell me if it does not look absolutely awesome (especially if you have ever lived in Warren Towers).

In other news: I went to this free concert last weekend; it was the Best Music Poll: Boston edition. So a lot of people were there, including Passion Pit and Metric. But also there was Ra Ra Riot, whose song "Dying is Fine" became quite a hit with me. Let's just say it tickled me pink. Listen!

just some thoughts

Hello blog. It's been a long long while. Let's catch up.

So it's been a trend that I always write about things are on my mind at the moment. As nonspontaneous as I am in all my decision-making, I do live quite in the present, you see. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I argued the pointlessness of making friends. Yes, quite a difficult argument to back up at the time, but I just didn't see the purpose of investing time and energy into people who were just going to leave you at some point or other. Silly as the show was, the CW's One Tree Hill had at least one valid point: People always leave.
Not being the most religious person around town, I admit that the only meaning I've found thus far in life comes from the interactions and connections I've made with my fellow humans. But humanity and I have some sort of love-hate relationship, and I can never seem to fully figure it out. At some points, I think I've managed to wrap my head around it, but I always somehow end up in the same place: wondering what the hell I can do for other people and what the hell they can do for me.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it also makes the heart forget. I don't ever want to forget. Anything. Especially the people that I've known, and people that have changed me. But I know I will. And it's inevitable that they will too. I have to forgive them for that, but it's hard. I've gone back to that spot where you just sit and ask yourself, What can I do that will make it worth it for someone to have known me? It's true. I get wayyy too emotionally invested and attached to people. Once in a blue moon, it's really really worth it. Most of the time you just wonder why on earth you care so much.
And somehow, that's all I can do. That's all I know: to live and feel so deeply that the words are slow and heavy coming out, that all the pain is tangible, that a radiating understanding and compassion for humanity is always there, somewhere underneath all those dark layers. That's all I'm feeling right now. Very very layered, just a little dark, and extremely torn.

fromage

Hi guys. So it's been about a week since my last post, and I thought it was about time for an update, even though there's really not much to say... Hold that thought. Maybe there is. Just maybe.

I'm doing a very select few things right now. I am making a weird facial expression. I am uncrossing and recrossing my legs. I am lamenting the food in the dining hall. I am listening to Patt's birthday CD mix (happy face!) I am procrastinating on the presentation/science-y talk that I have to give on Thursday and Friday. The end.

One more thing: I am awaiting the premiere of the Harry Potter movie. T-minus five hours.

I am reading Toni Morrison's Beloved. Not at this precise moment. Still. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that I was nowhere as literate as I thought myself to be. And, being an elitist, this greatly lowered my esteem of myself... self-esteem, if you will. This revelation, that I--of all people--lover and champion of literature, was not well-read in the least, was saddening by all means. That day, I picked up Barnes and Noble's list of "classics." The list is not exhaustive, no sir and no ma'am, but it gives me somewhere to start, eh? I'd still like to think, though, that despite my lack of quantity in the books I have read, I got as much and more out of them than the average reader. I connect with characters, and words (pretty words). I am beholden to the kindly people who author these beautiful concoctions, these strings of arbitrary letters that fuse together in some sort of meaning or un-meaning that nevertheless tug at my heartstrings and often tear them. Pain, beautiful and delicious, heartfelt, realer than life. What an irony, eh?

Enough of that. The point is this: I love books. Hence the reading. There's nothing sexier than being literate.

Anyway, can't wait for Michelle and Imaly to come this week... it's going to be awesome, I firmly believe! Now, off to that presentation! Mayhaps.

menz and boyz

So I remember being really excited to blog about something a couple days ago, but now that I actually have the time to do it, I forget what I wanted to say in the first place. No matter.

I've been thinking lately that I need a man. Or at least want one. Anyone who has been near me in the past couple of weeks knows this. Or anyone who watches the Bachelorette and talks about it with me. Yes, I watch the Bachelorette. Feel free to judge me now.
Well I know most of you are probably tired of hearing this by now, but I'm not expecting any sympathetic responses; I just want to say it and have physical proof that I said it. I feel like I am fun enough and awesome enough to deserve the affections and attentions of a boy. Man. Man-boy. Whatever you choose to call it. Sure, I'm very academically focused and serious about goals, and I'm decently well-read and cultured, but I don't think that should matter at all in this situation. Somehow, though, I get the impression (and I have evidence to back this up) that people find me too judgmental and intimidating. In other words, I have standards. Boys, men, are afraid they won't be able to live up to this, perhaps?

I have no idea. Because honestly, am I that hard to get along with? Really, guys? Gah. I guess it is a little strange, and potentially off-putting, because I'm not looking for a fling or anything. Obviously. But I do want fun, and humor, and to feel comfortable... you know, outside of regular friendship. I admit that I do have far more female friends than male, and although I have tons of fun with them, it's not necessarily a good thing. Too many hormones in one room. Guys are more chill, not uptight, fun to joke with, and they don't take things as seriously. I think I need that as a balancing force. Because I can be really super fun and funny, it's just that some people don't get to see that part of me.

So now I'm seriously considering deleting this, because of course I reread it and I sound like a complete goon who is waaaaay too desperate for some affection. But that's who I am right now. Only not that desperate... ;-) Still goonish.
Yes, yes, the topic is superficial, but I feel like I'm in a bit of a teen angst phase and I deserve to be, for now. Hopefully the next post will be better. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

singin' in the rain

Lalala. July!

So it's officially summer (or has been for quite some time... even if our weather does not acknowledge this) and this reminds me of none other than SUMMERY MUSIC and la-dee-da-ing.

Let's pick 10 random--or not so random--songs that I love to listen to in the month of July:

1. A Sunday Smile, Beirut
Conveniently, this is always the first song on my shuffle list. If you haven't heard Beirut, I do recommend trying them out for a spin. Yes, they are--like much of my musical choices--highly instrumental and folksy. However, even if you aren't really into that sort of stuff, folksy = summery in my book, and this unique little mélange of a song might really tickle your fancy. Who knows?

2. Marching Bands of Manhattan, Death Cab for Cutie
I'd have to say that I got really into Death Cab late-ish in my junior year, and haven't really gotten into any of their new stuff since. This song from '05, though a bit more mainstream-sounding than I typically like, is reminiscent of Death Cab the way I knew/know them. A.k.a. slightly reminiscent of The Postal Service. Which I am told is because they have/had the same lead singer. They could still sound different, right? Anyway, give it a listen.

3. Some of Them Were Superstitious, Midlake
So as far as I know, I may be the only person who has ever heard of Midlake. But I enjoy them IMMENSELY, especially this song, which, as I may have mentioned to some people, makes me feel like I am on LSD. Actually I have no idea what that feels like, but it sounds like what I imagine it might feel like. Anyway, this song is highly unique and has been a consistent favorite of mine. And, seeing as no one I have ever talked to in person has heard of this band, I suggest to all you readers out there (if you're still out there) to definitely give this one a go.

4. The Bandit Queen (with "Dialogue" and "Tap Dancing"), The Decemberists
Yes, in fact, my blogging identity is inspired by this very song, which is by far one of my favorites from the well-esteemed group The Decemberists. I beseech you to listen to not only this song, but also many others from this staple of indie/folk rock lovers' playlists. This particular song makes me feel very piratesque (that's a word?!), a word (apparently) that also reminds me of their album Picaresque. That's beside the point. Nonetheless, a very playful little ditty with some interesting instrumental parts (and tap dancing!)

5. The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice

I'm personally surprised that the music of this Irish folk rocker isn't more popular. His stuff is acoustically and lyrically lovely. If nothing else, he often features a female backup singer (this part always blows me away), and "The Blower's Daughter" has some lovely cello parts. The video, which is apparently "official," is kinda nice too, as it features deliciousness in the forms of one Jude Law, the ever-sexy Clive Owen, Damien Rice himself (scruffy = yummy), and of course the lovely Natalie Portman. Oh yeah, and I guess Julia Roberts and that random singer girl. Oops. Yes, yes, shots from the movie Closer, which I would like to see sometime in the near future. Moving on.

6. Think I Wanna Die, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
I can't say that I still love, or ever loved, Boris Yeltsin, but apparently someone does. This song is typical Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, and as such, is fun and has dance-y potential. Also, you can hear the words! I saw them live this past year, and they were good (and very sweaty... sorry!) but you couldn't hear the lyrics as well, so that's an upside to listening "unlive."

7. Swing Swing, All American Rejects
Definitely the outlier of this set, this song has always gotten me super excited. I think it feeds to my life-long aspiration to learn the drums. I rock out without fail to this song. Also, the theme of lost love and heartbreak always draws me in. Muahaha. That, there, was a joke if you didn't catch it.

8. Resurrection Fern, Iron and Wine
Iron and Wine is some sort of heaven-sent gift that I probably don't deserve. Nevertheless, I am completely and utterly obsessed with this "band" (?), a.k.a. Sam Beam, who has the voice of an angel and sounds absolutely amazing live (from the recordings I've heard). Oh boy. This one, "Resurrection Fern," is for summer evenings when the sky is turning red and a slight breeze disturbs the reflection of the sunset over the water. It's definitely in my top 5 songs as of right now. P.S. Just because Twilight used a lovely song by Iron and Wine (at the behest of Kristen Stewart) in their lame attempt at a movie, does not mean that the band or the song is corrupted in any sense. Even if we all hate (sorry, "greatly dislike") Kristen Stewart, at least we know she has semi-decent musical tastes.

9. Know Your Onion, The Shins
This song popped my Shins cherry. I can't really say much else about it, except that if you like The Shins, this one's a real treat. A good running song too!

10. Blue Eyes, the Cary Brothers (Garden State soundtrack)
I bought the Garden State soundtrack last month and I've been listening to it, basically nonstop, lately. I'm not exactly sure why I like this song so much, but I do. Plus obviously I couldn't put up another Shins or Iron and Wine song, so that limited my options. Not really. This soundtrack is filled with goodies!

Looks like that's it. That took much longer than expected... someone better read this!