Monday, January 4, 2010

New Year's Resolution 2010: Find a Man

Ha. Or so my mom thinks. Recently I think she's been worried about my love life... she talks about dating a lot, and how American girls are aggressive and I have to hold my own out there. It's sweet, but that's really something for me to worry about. Also, she talks about other Asian people we know that have/had boyfriends and how their parents reacted to it. Sample conversation about Jane Doe and her boyfriend John:

M: You know, Jane* went to visit her boyfriend again... Her parents are pretty open-minded, letting her go all the way to Madagascar* by herself to see him.
A: ...
M: They must really like John*. Though I think I'm pretty open-minded myself, I don't know how I would react in this situation.
A: Well it's not like they can really do anything to stop her.
M: I suppose not. Things sure have changed since when I was a teenager...
A: Yeahhh well it's not the 1800's anymore, Mom.
*Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent.

But anyway, here is my resolution for the New Year: Have an AMAZING time in Europe! Shouldn't be too hard :-D

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.

For reasons that still elude me, we humans are perpetually trying to be understood. That's the origin of the arts, see. Self-expression, if you will. Here's the catch, though: it can't happen. Our attempts to understand each other are feeble, faithless, laughable, and completely in vain. There's some sadistic unwritten law that says that.
We cannot promise to understand, because we never will, not fully at least. The only thing we can promise is to love, unconditionally. For those who are new to this world, who have not yet attempted, in futility, to comprehend its workings, I give you this:
"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.

If I could meet any one person in the chrono-synclastic infundibulum, it would be Kurt Vonnegut.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

that's what it's all about

Ah, my little bloggie blog, my little friend, long time no see. As anyone might have guessed, I gave up long ago on trying to maintain this sucker with school and all that nonsense going on. Yet still I come back. It's my addiction.

Funny thing about me and blogs: I always start them with the perpetual intent that no one will read them, but secretly hoping all the while that someone will. Take this post for instance; a month and a half into the new school year, and no one's keeping up with their blogs. Should be safe to post something reasonably revealing about myself... and yet... there's always the chance that someone might actually read it and find out about me... and yet.... that's exactly what I want.
Am I alone out here? Is it just me wanting someone to know me, yet being a bit too nervous to bare it all. Maybe. Story time: back in junior year of high school I was pretty damn messed up and confused about everything. My future, who I was, the meaning of life, yada yada, the list goes on. It really sounds like the makings of a terribly-boring-yet-true-to-life indie film that documents a young super-angsty teenage girl's attempts to comprehend the workings of the world. Yes, all that and more! I should really go into advertising. It was a joke. Back to the point though, thinking about it some more, I don't really know if much has changed. I'm a little better at masking all the internal conflict, perhaps. But not much better. This tells you a lot about how very super-angsty I was back in the day.
I feel like I'm just pushing back everything (the lack of specifics is disappointing, I realize, but I can't seem to think of much right now), and I don't really reveal myself very fully to anyone. I really miss my violin, because I'm not very good with words and somehow words seemed to flow out of every pore of that thing while I was playing it. I guess I'm just lacking something to immerse myself completely in. I'm just going through the motions, passionless. That's the worst.
One thing I hope I'm a little better at now is telling people how I feel. This summer changed that. I hope for anyone still reading this (you're out there somewhere?) that you know that my word is gold. If I say I care about you, or miss you, or want to see you soon, I mean it. When I say I'm sorry, I really mean it. I am being vulnerable for you. Because when people show me that all my high-minded cynical generalizations about the world and humanity are crap, then I know it's all worth it. I live off that stuff. It might be my life's vocation.

I really want to do something important with my life. Or if not that, I want to get all I can out of it, doing the things I always dreamed of. Like seeing architecture, real bonafide European architecture. Traveling. Reading. Making music. Even writing. Simple dreams, you say. Well simple is good enough for me.

Well. It's getting late. Everything I ever say ends up rambling terribly (a tribute to Faulkner for you all) and no one will really ever understand it, not even myself. Still, it felt good to get some of it out. Now maybe I can get some sleep.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

a day in the life.

It's a good day to let go of the past. As it so happens, my computer died again several times today and I was required to restore partitions of the hard drive that I had backed up a few months ago... and as a result, I am now deprived of the AIM logs that having been saving themselves for the past few months, waiting to be reread again by my eager eyes. Yes, they will be sorely missed. Yes, I use these logs to refresh my memory on conversations that have been had, and even more often use the contents of these logs as ammo in further arguments. Bad, I know.

It was actually kind of pathetic how crappy I felt when I realized that they had all been deleted. Kind of like how I might feel if all of my Facebook pictures were erased... though I feel I would probably be a little more distraught about that... Ah, but it is indeed for the best. I need to turn my attentions away from what has been done and focus on what is being done and what will be done. In recovering from the loss of wisdom teeth recently removed, I've had a lot of time virtually alone in my house (if you don't count my brother) and have realized how utterly unproductive I am. However, I have made considerable progress in 1984 and am thoroughly enjoying it, I'm working out a lot (gotta work off that poundage) and also refining my musical tastes, and I'm taking a much-needed relaxation break. Still gotta learn German, refresh my programming skills, and see lots of people.

It has occurred to me, actually, how few people I have to see here. A few select personal friends here and there, some family friends, some Asians, and the tennis team. I guess I'm not really that close with too many people, at least not close enough to want to reacquaint myself with them for the duration of a couple hours only to not talk to them again throughout the course of the school year. C'est la vie. I'm all right with that.

AH. I've decided that I need to make more money somehow. 1. Europe. 2. I need to look super sexy this year so I can get some boys! Whoo! So yes, #2 involves giving my wardrobe a makeover. I wish I could be on What Not to Wear. Ah, how simple life would be. This is only partly a joke.

Bah, I can't wait to get back to Beantown. Life is so drab in Sloshkosh, where the only thing that ever changes is the "Flavor of the Day" at Culver's.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

bitch for a day

It's dark, dank, and gloomy out... perfect day to blog.

So I woke up this morning to my parents being really pissed that I had slept in until 10:30... apparently it's unnatural to stay up until midnight or later. My dad wants me to go to bed before 11pm every night from now on. Not happening... have we heard of a little something called college? Whatever. I had a rough night and my eyeballs almost fell out, I woke up at 6 in the morning and felt like crap, and I still do, so I have an excuse to sleep in.

Side topic: I've realized that I don't really have much of a filter when I get really emotional. I do say the things I'm thinking, which means I am being honest, but not rationally so. Which is really unfortunate, because I probably don't actually mean any of these things and end up regretting even mentioning them. This happens on a daily basis. One thing about me is that I save my emails and Facebook messages and AIM logs and such, and occasionally reread them for funsies. Sometimes not-so-funsies. Christine, if you happen to still read this (and I don't blame you if you don't because it's getting a little annoying even for me), I'm really sorry for potentially making you feel awful. Because I said some really shitty things that I didn't mean because I happened to be excessively hormonal at the time. I guess it's kind of silly to mention it now because we can probably just laugh about how young and naive we were back then. But I'm glad we get along swimmingly now :-)

I remember when I first got this blog, courtesy of an idea from Patt, we had the following conversation:
P: me and imaly decided youre probs going to be way more intellectual than us
A: pfff hwhy?
P: bc youre cooler and smarter than us
A: ok well that may be true, but... BAHA jplay

Our names spell "PAPA." Excellent. But anyway, these fellas are way awesomer than me, and I personally think that Imaly's blog is way more intellectual than mine. Soooo the reasoning was off, but my blog did end up being excessively teen-angsty despite my personal resolve to make it funsy and whatnot. I did a lot of stuff in the beginning with my musical tastes and Bostie pictures, but now that the newfangledness of it all has worn off, I've reverted back to my natural talent: being angsty. Which sucks, because I don't want to seem like one of those emotion-ridden teens who can't talk about anything besides stupid, angsty FEELINGS. Courtesy of stupid, angsty hormones. Ugh, I wish I was a boy sometimes. I wish I were a boy sometimes? I know not. The point is, (and Michelle and I agreed on this) we need to stop caring too much about people and just be a little more self-indulgent. There. I said it.

So on a more pleasant note (pun fully intended), I've taken to playing the piano recently. Chopin's Nocturnes and Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique have been occupying my musical endeavors for the most part. I miss piano a lot, but I don't miss the pressure that went along with it... so I'm glad I quit when I did and now I can fully enjoy playing without having to worry about practicing a certain amount every day. It took up so much of my life with nothing to show for it, besides actually enjoying it now. Which I feel could have been accomplished by just tinkering around with it and listening to lots of classical... so much for WMTA.

Anyway, I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, which is gonna suck. My mom thinks I'll be able to eat the next day. Cross your fingers, mommy. At least I like yummy drinks. Also I'll have a lot of time to sit in bed and read without being bothered by anyone. I'm fully equipped with George Orwell's 1984, some good Thomas Hardy, and The Bell Jar. Score.

Friday, August 7, 2009

dying is quite fine

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, brother. So once again, it's about that time of month. Blog time!

What have we here? Yes, I just finished up my 10-week experience labbing it up with the BME department, and I've just returned to my home-sweet-home up here in the good ol' Midwest. Speaking of traveling, I am BEYOND FREAKING EXCITED for Dresden in the spring. The other day I was googling "top 10 places to visit in Europe" and I am FREAKING OVERWHELMED by how much stuff I want to do and how many countries I want to explore. I have approximately two weeks to travel the continent as I please, and I know I definitely want to make stops in France(!), Italy, Spain, and obviously Germany. How many countries can we get through in two weeks? Apparently we might also go to England and/or Croatia. Possibly. SO EXCITED!

However, I don't want to run willy-nilly all over Europe and see too many places without stopping to really enjoy them. That gives us a little bit of a limit here. But I was talking to my parents about it today and they said that maybe I should just take the entire summer off and stay a few weeks there after my semester is over, just so I can relax and travel at my own pace. I might need people to join me though... any takers?

So yeah, this is a picture of the Plitvice lakes in Croatia... doesn't it look AMAZING? Blagh I am dying inside just looking at it.

Now go to this website:
Scroll down and click on "Details" for any of the three dorms listed. Do this OR ELSE. Then click on the "Photos & Plans" tab and take a virtual tour! Then tell me if it does not look absolutely awesome (especially if you have ever lived in Warren Towers).

In other news: I went to this free concert last weekend; it was the Best Music Poll: Boston edition. So a lot of people were there, including Passion Pit and Metric. But also there was Ra Ra Riot, whose song "Dying is Fine" became quite a hit with me. Let's just say it tickled me pink. Listen!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

just some thoughts

Hello blog. It's been a long long while. Let's catch up.

So it's been a trend that I always write about things are on my mind at the moment. As nonspontaneous as I am in all my decision-making, I do live quite in the present, you see. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I argued the pointlessness of making friends. Yes, quite a difficult argument to back up at the time, but I just didn't see the purpose of investing time and energy into people who were just going to leave you at some point or other. Silly as the show was, the CW's One Tree Hill had at least one valid point: People always leave.
Not being the most religious person around town, I admit that the only meaning I've found thus far in life comes from the interactions and connections I've made with my fellow humans. But humanity and I have some sort of love-hate relationship, and I can never seem to fully figure it out. At some points, I think I've managed to wrap my head around it, but I always somehow end up in the same place: wondering what the hell I can do for other people and what the hell they can do for me.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it also makes the heart forget. I don't ever want to forget. Anything. Especially the people that I've known, and people that have changed me. But I know I will. And it's inevitable that they will too. I have to forgive them for that, but it's hard. I've gone back to that spot where you just sit and ask yourself, What can I do that will make it worth it for someone to have known me? It's true. I get wayyy too emotionally invested and attached to people. Once in a blue moon, it's really really worth it. Most of the time you just wonder why on earth you care so much.
And somehow, that's all I can do. That's all I know: to live and feel so deeply that the words are slow and heavy coming out, that all the pain is tangible, that a radiating understanding and compassion for humanity is always there, somewhere underneath all those dark layers. That's all I'm feeling right now. Very very layered, just a little dark, and extremely torn.